Accountability, problem solving, personal responsibility. Don’t all parents want their children to learn these skills and values? Most kids learn them as they grow, but for whatever reason, many kids struggle with them. Some blame others for everything, are defiant and even abusive because they don’t have the tools to problem-solve or handle their frustration appropriately. The Total Transformation program, created by behavioral therapist James Lehman, teaches you simple, step-by-step techniques you can use to help your child solve his or her problems without resorting to disrespectful, abusive behavior.

I reviewed the program and I love it. While you can find glowing reviews and testimonials of this program’s success, I want to note that it’s not just for children with extreme behavior problems. My son is a good kid, but he gets easily frustrated and angry. No surprise, as I am the same way. And this is why the Total Transformation is so wonderful. Not only does it give you the tools to help your child, it gives you tools to help yourself. I’ve written more than once that the way a parent responds to their child’s behavior is just as important as dealing with the behavior.

I learned so much from the Total Transformation that I can apply to my own behavior. Here are four major points Mr. Lehman teaches that I’ve applied in my life:

1. You don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to. Just because your child is arguing doesn’t mean you have to argue back.
2. Disconnect. It’s amazing how effective this one word is. I’ve actually taped index cards around my house with the word “disconnect” on them. Similar to the “count to ten” idea, Mr. Lehman teaches you to stop the show, disconnect from the behavior and walk away. Deal with the behavior when you and your child are calm.
3. There is no excuse for abuse. It is unacceptable for your child to be physically abusive. It’s just as unacceptable for him or her to be verbally abusive. Equally unacceptable is for a parent to be verbally abusive to a child. Getting into a yelling match with your child never accomplishes anything.
4. Stop giving speeches. Stop negotiating, explaining, begging and hoping your child will suddenly see the light. This was a big revelation for me. My son has come to me after an outburst, apologized and wondered to me why he can’t “behave” or control his anger. It made me feel horrible that he felt so bad, and I found myself owning HIS feelings. The next time he got frustrated and angry, I would desperately try to remind him that he would feel bad about it later and why can’t he just calm down NOW?  Since listening to The Total Transformation, I realize that I can’t own his feelings and beg him to see the light. The best way I can help him is to disconnect, don’t attend the argument, and model good problem-solving and anger-management skills myself.

The program consists of a Jump Start DVD, seven audio CDs, a workbook, a Parent’s Workshop DVD, and a One Minute Transformation audio CD (which is invaluable – I’ve listened to it again and again). You work through one CD and the corresponding workbook section each week. Click here to listen to samples of each audio CD.

The program retails for $327, but you could get it for free. I’m giving away the program to one lucky winner (US residents 18 and older are eligible) on April 15th at 10 am ET. There are three ways to enter: 1) Leave a comment here; 2) Tweet the following for a second entry:  Win The Total Transformation from @shannonentin and the Discipline Project: http://tinyurl.com/disciplineproject ; 3) Like the Discipline Project on Facebook and post on the wall that you want to enter to win.

If you don’t win, and if your son is 11 to 17 with oppositional or defiant behavior, you can also get The Total Transformation free by participating in a market research project. Simply follow the steps shown on this page.

When you listen to the Total Transformation, you’ll find yourself nodding and saying “That makes total sense!” I am planning a few future posts that will highlight some of what I’ve learned from the program that applies to my Discipline Project, so please subscribe over there!

Note: This will likely be my last post here at Mom Improvement. I am focusing my efforts on my new blog and I hope that you will subscribe to The Discipline Project.  My day-to-day ramblings will now be found at blog.shannonentin.com, so please join me there, too. Thanks!

Reverb 10 Prompt #11: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

My, my, my. I really had to think about this one. Here’ s my list, in no particular order…

1. Multitasking. I think multitasking is a good thing in moderation. But I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve physically hurt myself (running into furniture, breaking nails waaaay down in the nail bed, dropping things on my toes, falling into the pool and smacking my head on the deck) in a mad rush to get AS MUCH DONE AS POSSIBLE. And then there’s the multitasking that takes my attention away from my children. “Uh-huh.” {Nodding head even though I have no idea what the child just said to me.} While doing two or three things at once is sometimes necessary, making an effort to focus is important to me and to my family.

2. Procrastination. Doesn’t everyone have this on their “11 Things” list? I go through these bipolar-ish swings where I put everything off for days, then get all crazy motivated, drink a Rockstar energy drink, and go to town. Let’s try some balance in 2011.

3. Compulsive planning. My friend Diana mentioned this in her 11 things: “Chances are if you’re ‘organizing how to get things done’ you’re not getting things done.” This is SO me – making lists and schedules and routines and trying out new apps and charts designed to help me be more productive. I’ve been doing this for 20 years and can think of only two things that have ever helped: My Daily Habits list and HabitForge.  I’m done wasting time planning how I’m going to get things done. Getting things done is easy: Make a list, do the stuff, and check it off.

4. Bitchiness. Otherwise known as complaining, snapping, heaving heavy sighs and slamming doors. Hate this about myself. Would love a magic wand to wave it away. It’s all about self-control, which I really need to practice.

5. Yelling. Cut/paste #4 here. I despise seeing other people yell. I know how much mental damage it can do. Just stop it already.

6. Drama. I’ve been involved in a lot of drama this year. It’s hard to walk the line between being a friend and being dragged into drama. Here’s how I plan to do it: Stay out of other people’s business unless I’m specifically asked for help.

7. Self-doubt. I’ve actually been working on this in 2010. I just keep telling myself that I am AWESOME. That I totally rock. And I keep moving forward. Don’t dwell on the past or on things you can’t change. Every day is a new chance to bring the awesomeness.

8. Weight. Ugh. I guess I have to concede that exercising, but eating whatever I want, does not work. Bummer.

9. Bearing the Burden: I tend to take on too much, then complain about it and expect everyone to feel sorry for me. I know that squelching this tendency will help improve #4, #5, and possibly #8.

10. Guilt. Another one that I bet is common on “11 Things” lists. But I honestly have no idea how to eliminate – or even cut back – guilt.

11. Frowning/Scowling. You might think this falls under #4, but I have this natural expression on my face that causes people to ask me “What’s wrong?” I’ve heard it said that your face speaks volumes. My facial expression and body language alone can affect my kids’ behavior. Maybe I should get one of those rubber bracelets that says “Smile.”

Do I really think I can eliminate these 11 things from my life next year? Absolutely not. But I’m going to print this list out and look at it every day so I can significantly cut down on destructive behaviors that are getting me nowhere.

Yes, I’m a bit behind in the prompts, even though I had a nice quiet weekend (hello #2, procrastination). Prompt #12 is “Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?” I’m skipping this prompt because I have absolutely nothing to say on this topic. I’ve been completely hyper-aware of my body and uncomfortable in my skin this past year. See #8 above.

I’ll catch up with prompt #13 tomorrow.

I’m a big fan of the book Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. I get daily emails from their web site and the other day this message came in:

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

It’s official. Children have always been thankless, greedy creatures. The next time your child says or does something that more resembles the spawn of Satan than the angelic infant you brought home, remember these words of Socrates. Kids are designed to test us and push their limits. It would be unhealthy and more than a little creepy if yours didn’t do likewise.
–Hal Runkel, LMFT author of ScreamFree Parenting

It’s natural (and even desirable in some sense) for children to act out and push their boundaries. They are finding themselves and growing every minute of every day. It’s our job as parents to give them a safe space and some autonomy – instead of reverting to tyrants ourselves by yelling and trying to control their every move.

It’s hard to do. I know there are times when I just need my kids to do what I say now! But I’m learning to build space and time around everything we do (aka slow down). This has given them time to do things their own way and push their boundaries without me going ballistic. I’m able to allow them to test the waters, then guide them toward respectful behavior in a calm manner. I’m not always successful, but I’m working on it.

How do you help your kids test their boundaries?

Halloween was a blur this year. As the kids get older, they need me less. This is good, but it makes me feel a little less involved, as if events are speeding by. I did get some quality time with Logan when I took him and a friend on a haunted hay ride, which – WOW – So Much Fun. (Picture me clinging to the arms of two 11 year-olds.) Guys with chainsaws randomly jump out and chase you. And even though you expect it, it’s scary as hell when you’re walking through a dark cemetery or corn maze.

We attended our homeschool co-op Halloween party, which is always lots of fun. On a chilly and windy Halloween night, the kids trick-or-treated with cousins in a large development and got a boat load of candy. This is what I get when seven kids trick-or-treat and none of them like Butterfingers:

We didn’t get around to carving pumpkins, but Cassie created this beauty:

Inspired by my Aunt’s creation:

So cool, huh?

In addition to the Halloween hoopla, I’ve been dealing with some other issues. When you have good friends, or you are part of a wonderful organization, you get drawn in. When they hurt, you hurt. I’ve been drawn into some hurt lately in two separate situations and I’ve now had my fill of drama and gossip. It even started to affect me physically. Ever feel the need to just check out for awhile? I go through that periodically and I need to stay home, off the internet, eating Butterfingers, in my bubble.

Thank goodness for kids who don’t like Butterfingers.

When I read Know Your Strengths, from The Happiest Mom, I realized (again) how much I focus on the negative.  I have the perception that the things I am good at (in parenting that is), everyone is good at, while the things I am bad at, everyone else is still good at. Not exactly reality.

I don’t like playing “pretend” games with my kids. Cars, action figures, Barbies, dress up… ugh. But I love to read out loud with them, or cook with them, or play just about any board game or card game known to man. And I like to clean and organize, which has rubbed off on at least one of my children.

I’m not the crazy, playful, imaginative Mom. And that’s totally OK. I am the Mom who will spend an entire afternoon helping her kids make homemade bagels or decorate fancy cakes. I am the Mom who will read books and find correlated crafts and activities. I’m the Mom who will play Candyland or Risk or Settlers of Catan at the drop of a hat.

I’m proud of my mom strengths. How about you? What are your mom strengths?

“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.”
-Robert A. Heinlein

This quote came to my inbox yesterday from ScreamFree Parenting, one of my favorite web sites. Then I read Diana’s post, Do Your Kids Know Why You’re a Pushover? Both brought to mind something that I’m not very good at: discipline.

There are some benefits to being undisciplined. I’m creative, agreeable to change, and I have a freedom in my life that allows me to pursue many interests, people, and places. The main problem? When the going gets tough, I raise the white flag.

Ultimately, my lack of discipline results from wanting to make my life easy. Is that a bad thing? Who doesn’t want an easy life? As time goes by, however, the long-term effects are perhaps not making my life easier.

I’ll never be a hard-ass parent. I’ll never be the type to get up every day at the same time and follow the same routine. I don’t want to be that person. I do want to get better at seeing things through and providing an example for my kids. For the past year, I’ve been moving towards more discipline. I’ve been better about exercising. I’ve recently found some homeschooling inspiration (thanks, my friends!) and I’m starting to feel my mojo (it only took me 5 years). I’ve come to terms with what it means to me to have (or not have) a career.

I’m moving forward. Onward towards a semi-disciplined life?

I need a better after-dinner routine. Right now, we have dinner and clean up, then basically my family splits in half. My son and husband might play baseball, garden, play a video game, and read together before bed. My daughter and I might read, do a workbook, play with a doll or toy, take a bath, or watch a DVD. We might switch it up now and then, but rarely do we all do something together.

I have a boy and a girl who are six years apart. They fight, like most siblings, and don’t like to do the same things. We’ve tried playing family games, but they usually end in a fight.

I’d like our after-dinner time to be a scene out a 50′s sitcom, where we all talk and laugh and play together. I realize that’s not going to happen, but I’m sure we can make it better than it is now.

What’s your advice? What’s your family-time routine?

A couple weeks ago I participated in 77kids Do Good Day with some awesome Jersey bloggers. As a follow-up to that event, I wanted to pass on “7 good things to do with a dollar” that you might share with your kids:

1. Buy from a lemonade stand, a bake sale or another fundraiser
2. Leave a dollar in a vending machine for someone else to find
3. Pay the toll for the car behind you
4. Buy a sheet of stickers and hand them out to kids
5. Put four quarters in parking meters
6. Tip a street musician
7. Send a thank you card to someone who made a difference in your life

I met Liz, Monica, Bay and Julie at the Children’s Discovery Museum near Cherry Hill, NJ.

The road was closed for a bit in front of the museum, but the near-monsoon did not dampen our spirits.

We had a “gratitude station” where kids (and parents) could make cards for the troops via Operation Gratitude. We also had face painting and snacks and goodie bags.

It was a wonderful day all around and I thank 77kids by american eagle and The Motherhood for giving me the chance to participate.

My daughter is obsessed with Santa. And not in the “I can’t wait for Santa to come!” sense, but in the “Do you believe in Santa?” sense. She asks almost everyone she meets if they believe. It’s basically her second question after “What’s your name?”

A little background: I am an agnostic. My husband is Jewish and we decided before we were married that we would continue the traditions of his family, celebrate Jewish holidays, and educate our children about Judiasm. We do not attend services, but we observe Hanukkah, Passover and other holidays in our home. My family, on the other hand, celebrates Christmas in degrees that vary from secular to devout Catholic. And we visit them every Christmas.

My son (now 11) believed in Santa for one or two seasons. It was fun for the grandparents, aunts and uncles to talk about Santa and put out the milk and cookies, so we played along for a bit. But as soon as he asked if Santa was real, we told him no. My daughter (now almost 6) was more skeptical at a younger age. She never believed.

Last Christmas, we stayed at my step-sister’s house for the first time. My kids loved spending every waking moment with their cousins. I warned my daughter that my niece and nephew believed in Santa and she shouldn’t talk about it. Silly me. Within an hour of our arrival, my niece was downstairs looking at me accusingly: “Aunt Shannon, Cassie said you don’t believe in Santa.” Oy.

I did my best to smooth things over and my niece and nephew were not swayed in their beliefs. But my daughter can not seem to get Kris Kringle off her mind. She probably talks about the jolly one at least once a week. We’ll be in the car and she’ll wonder out loud if so-and-so believes in Santa. Or she’ll meet a new friend and inform me later in the day that they do (or don’t) believe. She’ll say, “Mom? Why do other Moms pretend Santa is real? Why do they lie to their kids?”

And I don’t have a good answer to that. What would you say?

This is a guest post by my husband, Paul Entin.

If Age of Empires III wasn’t called a video game, it could be called an economics simulation. Then it could be used as a tool for learning instead of dismissed as a waste of time. In this PC game, each player starts a colony with an explorer and seven settlers. To survive and thrive, settlers must set to work gathering berries and hunting for food, cutting down trees for buildings and mining metals for money. As the colony grows, more settlers arrive. Hunting and gathering are
replaced by farming and domesticating livestock, mining is replaced by banking and woodcutting is replaced by factory production. A market promotes the efficient conversion of commodities and money from one to another – minus a percentage as a brokerage fee. And all of this needs to be humming along while accounting for the colony’s defense against the colony on the other side of the plain. It would be impossible to win at this game without understanding several fundamental principles involving economics, defense and government. And lo and behold, these principles are learned and retained simply by playing the game. No textbooks required. For example:

1. Everybody contributes. Every person living in the colony needs food and shelter. Everyone is, to some degree, a cost to the colony. Therefore, every member of the colony needs to contribute, or in economic terms, needs to produce goods. A settler who isn’t farming must be building or mining or otherwise producing. An idle settler is a burden draining the colony of resources. So destructive idleness is, in fact, that the game alerts the player if a settler is left idle between tasks. Watching TV, lounging by the pool and vacationing on the beach are economically unthinkable. If you’re not helping, you’re hindering. There certainly aren’t any inspectors, administrators or other officials living off of the work of others.
2. Opportunity cost. Since resources are limited and costs are involved in gathering resources, how the limited resources are allocated requires careful, thoughtful decision making. Should the available wood be used to build houses to support and attract additional settlers or to build a mill to boost agricultural production? Should the available gold be invested in technological improvements that boost production of goods or in raising an army to protect the colony? Each purchase is at the expense of another purchase and each decision has consequences that impact everyone in the colony. Now don’t forget to consider that military personnel require food and shelter but don’t contribute in terms of economic production. With a finite amount of population permitted (200), each soldier represents one less settler able to produce goods.
3. Sustainability. The game starts with numerous head of bison roaming the plains, a number of gold mines and lush forests. But eventually, these resources will be depleted so alternative methods of production must be found. Domesticating livestock, farming and using advanced materials, for example, must be considered and they must be considered before resources expire, not after everyone is starving.
4. Technology is good. Settlers can cut wood at a given rate but investing in a log flume and sawmill boosts the production rate. Settlers can plant a farm but studying seed technology boosts the production come harvest time. Raising an army of musketmen is fine but improving their weapons with rifling allows the same number of soldiers to more effectively defend the colony. It would be unthinkable to believe that it’s better to use a lot of human labor to perform a job slowly when a few tools can help fewer people perform a job faster and easier, freeing the human labor to contribute in another area.
5. Value of services. It’s common for politicians and TV commercials to slam “transaction fees”, “brokerage fees” and “convenience fees”. We’ve been told for decades that providing services should be free of charge as if they offer no value. In Age of Empires, players are grateful for the ability to instantly exchange one type of commodity for another. This ability has value. The market where these transactions occur wasn’t built there without cost and for this ability to trade goods, a transaction fee is paid. This fee pays for the service being provided – the ability to easily exchange goods. It is no different than a credit card company offering the ability to write a check for instant access to cash and earning a percentage for both the service and for bearing the risk of extending credit. Yet people have been taught to become irate when required to pay for services like these, though without them our economy could not function as smoothly.
6. Deterrence. At first, while I was carefully and methodically sending my settlers hunting, gathering and building, my opponent’s army would quickly arrive and destroy my colony. Game over. Then my 11-year old son, who convinced me to try this game, explained how to prevent it. “You don’t need to raise a whole army – that’s too expensive – you just need a few soldiers so the other guy won’t attack.” Aha! A deterrence. The opposite of which I’ll call an invitation. It’s a concept that’s self-evident to a pre-teen but seemingly alien to our leadership in Washington D.C.

Video games have come a long way since Space Invaders and Asteroids. And while vile, cop-killing, Grand Theft Auto-style games capture the headlines, hundreds of other games that don’t grab headlines would be labeled educational if they simply weren’t so much fun to play. Parents need to rethink their perception of video games and stop lumping everything on a computer or console as a wasteful diversion away from productive, educational activities. It may be time to recognize that some video games are both productive and educational and it’s their extra element of fun that makes the learning process so effortless.