Accountability, problem solving, personal responsibility. Don’t all parents want their children to learn these skills and values? Most kids learn them as they grow, but for whatever reason, many kids struggle with them. Some blame others for everything, are defiant and even abusive because they don’t have the tools to problem-solve or handle their frustration appropriately. The Total Transformation program, created by behavioral therapist James Lehman, teaches you simple, step-by-step techniques you can use to help your child solve his or her problems without resorting to disrespectful, abusive behavior.

I reviewed the program and I love it. While you can find glowing reviews and testimonials of this program’s success, I want to note that it’s not just for children with extreme behavior problems. My son is a good kid, but he gets easily frustrated and angry. No surprise, as I am the same way. And this is why the Total Transformation is so wonderful. Not only does it give you the tools to help your child, it gives you tools to help yourself. I’ve written more than once that the way a parent responds to their child’s behavior is just as important as dealing with the behavior.

I learned so much from the Total Transformation that I can apply to my own behavior. Here are four major points Mr. Lehman teaches that I’ve applied in my life:

1. You don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to. Just because your child is arguing doesn’t mean you have to argue back.
2. Disconnect. It’s amazing how effective this one word is. I’ve actually taped index cards around my house with the word “disconnect” on them. Similar to the “count to ten” idea, Mr. Lehman teaches you to stop the show, disconnect from the behavior and walk away. Deal with the behavior when you and your child are calm.
3. There is no excuse for abuse. It is unacceptable for your child to be physically abusive. It’s just as unacceptable for him or her to be verbally abusive. Equally unacceptable is for a parent to be verbally abusive to a child. Getting into a yelling match with your child never accomplishes anything.
4. Stop giving speeches. Stop negotiating, explaining, begging and hoping your child will suddenly see the light. This was a big revelation for me. My son has come to me after an outburst, apologized and wondered to me why he can’t “behave” or control his anger. It made me feel horrible that he felt so bad, and I found myself owning HIS feelings. The next time he got frustrated and angry, I would desperately try to remind him that he would feel bad about it later and why can’t he just calm down NOW?  Since listening to The Total Transformation, I realize that I can’t own his feelings and beg him to see the light. The best way I can help him is to disconnect, don’t attend the argument, and model good problem-solving and anger-management skills myself.

The program consists of a Jump Start DVD, seven audio CDs, a workbook, a Parent’s Workshop DVD, and a One Minute Transformation audio CD (which is invaluable – I’ve listened to it again and again). You work through one CD and the corresponding workbook section each week. Click here to listen to samples of each audio CD.

The program retails for $327, but you could get it for free. I’m giving away the program to one lucky winner (US residents 18 and older are eligible) on April 15th at 10 am ET. There are three ways to enter: 1) Leave a comment here; 2) Tweet the following for a second entry:  Win The Total Transformation from @shannonentin and the Discipline Project: http://tinyurl.com/disciplineproject ; 3) Like the Discipline Project on Facebook and post on the wall that you want to enter to win.

If you don’t win, and if your son is 11 to 17 with oppositional or defiant behavior, you can also get The Total Transformation free by participating in a market research project. Simply follow the steps shown on this page.

When you listen to the Total Transformation, you’ll find yourself nodding and saying “That makes total sense!” I am planning a few future posts that will highlight some of what I’ve learned from the program that applies to my Discipline Project, so please subscribe over there!

Note: This will likely be my last post here at Mom Improvement. I am focusing my efforts on my new blog and I hope that you will subscribe to The Discipline Project.  My day-to-day ramblings will now be found at blog.shannonentin.com, so please join me there, too. Thanks!

I love how Seth Godin talks about “shipping” — his term for getting a project completed and delivered. It doesn’t matter if it’s perfect all the time, because we learn from failure. Just ship it. Get it done.

I just shipped. It’s scary.

What happens when I declare to my family, friends and anyone who reads my blog that 2011 is my drop-dead year for making the changes I’ve been talking about for 10 years? It could be a wonderful success. It could be an embarrassing, depressing failure.

I’m about to find out…

I get the Reverb 10 prompts in my mailbox every morning and fully intend to write about them, then the day slips away. (A microcosm of my blogging in general.)  I thought about doing a quick recap and writing briefly about the prompts I’ve missed the past week, but I think that defeats the purpose of a prompt. I do spend a good amount of time thinking about them, and I should also take the time to write about them. So let’s move forward with today’s topic:

Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Self in 2011,

I’ve traveled back in time to deliver some advice to you for 2011. This is your year, girl.

I know you’ve spent a lot of time struggling against inertia and trying to decide “where you want your life to go.”  Listen, I get that. You’ve got a free and easy life. So easy that it’s too easy to take it easy. (Get that?) But I know you’re ready to take action. Don’t be afraid. Don’t worry what people will think when you start something new — again.

I won’t tell you if you fail or succeed. But I want you to know that in 2011 you will give it your best shot like you never have before.  You DO have it in you, in spite of what you keep asking yourself. This year, you will live up to that motto you so love: “Do or do not. There is no try.” (Yoda)

There are a few things I want you to remember…

In five years – five short years – your son will be on his way out of your house. Significantly less involved in your day-to-day life. You think you will enjoy that, but it’ll be hard on you. Your daughter will be approaching adolescence. I don’t think I need to say any more about that. Please slow down and enjoy them now, as they are. You’re in a very good place.

In five years – five short years – you will be firmly in the “middle aged” bracket. Do you remember how you used to envision that time? Healthy, active, traveling. Take care of yourself now so you can live the way you want to during the coming years.

In five years – five short years – you will have more free time to spend alone with your husband, family and friends. Nurture those relationships now and treat them like gold.

With love,

Self in 2016

Reverb 10 Prompt #11: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

My, my, my. I really had to think about this one. Here’ s my list, in no particular order…

1. Multitasking. I think multitasking is a good thing in moderation. But I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve physically hurt myself (running into furniture, breaking nails waaaay down in the nail bed, dropping things on my toes, falling into the pool and smacking my head on the deck) in a mad rush to get AS MUCH DONE AS POSSIBLE. And then there’s the multitasking that takes my attention away from my children. “Uh-huh.” {Nodding head even though I have no idea what the child just said to me.} While doing two or three things at once is sometimes necessary, making an effort to focus is important to me and to my family.

2. Procrastination. Doesn’t everyone have this on their “11 Things” list? I go through these bipolar-ish swings where I put everything off for days, then get all crazy motivated, drink a Rockstar energy drink, and go to town. Let’s try some balance in 2011.

3. Compulsive planning. My friend Diana mentioned this in her 11 things: “Chances are if you’re ‘organizing how to get things done’ you’re not getting things done.” This is SO me – making lists and schedules and routines and trying out new apps and charts designed to help me be more productive. I’ve been doing this for 20 years and can think of only two things that have ever helped: My Daily Habits list and HabitForge.  I’m done wasting time planning how I’m going to get things done. Getting things done is easy: Make a list, do the stuff, and check it off.

4. Bitchiness. Otherwise known as complaining, snapping, heaving heavy sighs and slamming doors. Hate this about myself. Would love a magic wand to wave it away. It’s all about self-control, which I really need to practice.

5. Yelling. Cut/paste #4 here. I despise seeing other people yell. I know how much mental damage it can do. Just stop it already.

6. Drama. I’ve been involved in a lot of drama this year. It’s hard to walk the line between being a friend and being dragged into drama. Here’s how I plan to do it: Stay out of other people’s business unless I’m specifically asked for help.

7. Self-doubt. I’ve actually been working on this in 2010. I just keep telling myself that I am AWESOME. That I totally rock. And I keep moving forward. Don’t dwell on the past or on things you can’t change. Every day is a new chance to bring the awesomeness.

8. Weight. Ugh. I guess I have to concede that exercising, but eating whatever I want, does not work. Bummer.

9. Bearing the Burden: I tend to take on too much, then complain about it and expect everyone to feel sorry for me. I know that squelching this tendency will help improve #4, #5, and possibly #8.

10. Guilt. Another one that I bet is common on “11 Things” lists. But I honestly have no idea how to eliminate – or even cut back – guilt.

11. Frowning/Scowling. You might think this falls under #4, but I have this natural expression on my face that causes people to ask me “What’s wrong?” I’ve heard it said that your face speaks volumes. My facial expression and body language alone can affect my kids’ behavior. Maybe I should get one of those rubber bracelets that says “Smile.”

Do I really think I can eliminate these 11 things from my life next year? Absolutely not. But I’m going to print this list out and look at it every day so I can significantly cut down on destructive behaviors that are getting me nowhere.

Yes, I’m a bit behind in the prompts, even though I had a nice quiet weekend (hello #2, procrastination). Prompt #12 is “Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?” I’m skipping this prompt because I have absolutely nothing to say on this topic. I’ve been completely hyper-aware of my body and uncomfortable in my skin this past year. See #8 above.

I’ll catch up with prompt #13 tomorrow.

Gwen Bell, one of the great minds behind Reverb 10, wrote a post about telling the truth online and determining exactly who you want that truth shared with. I started out sharing a lot on my blog. Then I pulled back, mostly out of respect for my husband and children who don’t care to have their bizness all out on the interwebz. Me? I find it liberating, cathartic, and therapeutic to share online. And to find people who get what I’m trying to share. As a busy mom, I don’t have many opportunities to sit down with a girlfriend and a glass of wine and get deep. The internet gives me that.

While I read Gwen’s post, I immediately made a connection to today’s prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Backing off. Stepping away from blogging and constant Twittering and giving myself time to say, “Hey, I don’t know where the hell I want this to go.” That was my wisest decision because now I do know where I want this to go. I know that I’ve missed the community and the writing. And I know what “working online” means for me now. You’ll have to stay tuned for more on that.

There are a couple other decisions I made that I think will be fantastic when I’m able to fully implement them. I spent a lot of time this year planning for change. Change can’t always be made cold turkey. (Another wise decision I’ve adopted.) Changes need to be held in your pocket, turned over and over, looked at in every which way, and set upon various shelves of your life to see where they fit best.

Even if I didn’t make a lot of physical progress this year, I made a lot of mental progress.  I took steps forward and steps backward. I’m getting closer every day to the vision I have for my future.

I’m writing every day this month as part of Reverb 10, an online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Today’s Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

This one is tough. I’m tempted to just blow through it with something lame and push the deep, gnawing thoughts out of my mind. But that would be … lame. And it would defeat the purpose of this whole Reverb 10 exercise.

When I read “Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up,” I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know we always see ourselves in a harsher light than others see us, but I can’t imagine me lighting anyone up. Except maybe my kids. And that’s a whole lotta neediness and comfort and, well, I’m MOM.  I sure as hell don’t light them up because I’m the funnest mom in town.

That’s harsh, huh? Told ya. I’m no ray of sunshine. I own this, and I’m not interested in making any drastic changes in my personality. I’m type-A, practical, organized and neat. I hardly ever lose things or forget things. Items are rarely broken or damaged in my home, unless it’s from natural aging or overuse. (Or unless my daughter’s involved because she is pretty much the opposite of me in that department.) I’m not a free spirit, spur-of-the-moment kinda gal. My idea of fun is dinner and a movie. Or scrapbooking. Or video games.

And that is OK.

But.

I constantly beat myself up about it.

I’m worried that I’m seen by others as sullen, complaining, controlling, overwhelmed and obsessive. When I feel inside like I’m coming across as pensive, communicative, organized, emotional, passionate, and helpful.

How do I reconcile how I feel inside with what I portray outside? Why do I think my differences are seen in a bad way instead of a good way?

What’s different about you makes you beautiful? I’m different because I’m intense, moody and a perfectionist … Not how many would describe beauty. Which kinda makes me sad. Who says beauty has to burst out of a person in laughter, sparkles and rainbows?

Let’s talk community.

Um, yeah.

I’d say I broke even in the community department for 2010. I built my personal, in-real-life community. I’ve made new friends, deepened friendships, and reached out to friends from my past. But my online community is sorely lacking.

I know how important community is in real life. I’ve never been extremely outgoing. I like my alone time. For many years, I had hardly any close friends besides my husband. As the years go by, I’m learning more and more the value of having a few girlfriends I can talk to and lean on, and whom I can help out when they need it. The giving makes you feel even better than the getting.

I know how important community is online. My lack of effort in cultivating an online community is apparent when I hear crickets chirping after every Tweet and blog post I publish. It’s so glaringly obvious to me that commenting on blogs, responding to Tweets, and interacting on Facebook and other networks is the key to online success (where “success” is measured by reach – the people who follow you, care about what you say and engage in discussion with you). That is something I will work hard to ramp up in 2011.

This post was prompted by Reverb 10. Check it out.

I missed a couple days of Reverb 10 because I spent the weekend enjoying my family and our Hanukkah celebrations. And from this I can make a nice segue into yesterday’s prompt:

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of a lot of “shoulds” this year. I “should” have written two posts this weekend, and in the past I might have called myself a failure and beaten myself up about not following through. I might have given up. I get that all-or-nothing attitude. You know, the one that says, “You already screwed up your diet by eating that candy bar, so you might as well just forget about the rest of the week and start dieting again on Monday.”

Living in that “should have” mentality makes you a prisoner of the past. Life is much more enjoyable and productive when you move forward. Act, don’t react. Do what you can now and let go of what you should have done yesterday.

I’ve struggled for over a year now with what this blog should be. Blogging has changed – particularly in the “mommy blogging” realm – and there seems to be a Great Divide that separates the bloggers who are “PR-Friendly” (aka review products) and those who are old-school, “I’m a writer with integrity, dammit.” Some bloggers enjoy getting paid in swag, while others demand cash. I don’t pick sides in that battle, both seem perfectly fine to me.

But the question is where do I fit in? As usual, I fit in a little bit in a lot of places. I’m eclectic. And that’s OK. I’m done telling myself that I should be another kind of blogger. Today I’m doing what I want and what I can. And letting go of all the rest of the shoulds in my head.

Today’s prompt for Reverb 10:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

The question really is: What don’t I do each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing?

Truth is, I haven’t put writing very high on my priority list this past year. And I’m fine with that. I’ve taken a step back from blogging, said no to several opportunities, and except for a couple small projects, I’ve stopped doing web design. 2010 was about bringing my focus back to my family. And while things aren’t exactly as I’d like them to be yet, I made some major strides. I wasn’t running to lock myself in the bedroom with my laptop every night after dinner. I played games with my family, invested more time in homeschooling planning, and stayed on top of household responsibilities.

But back to the writing. I miss it. I want to give it another go. And I have an idea where I want it to go.

So what can I eliminate each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing? Without a doubt, the answer is Gmail. I live in that damn Gmail — my calendar, my documents, my feed reader, all there to provide constant distraction. (See? I just clicked to the Gmail tab because my fingers stopped typing for a minute!)

Curse you Gmail. I love you, but I need my space. We need limits. When I wake up in the morning, you are there, smiling at me seductively. You with your perky offerings of my day’s agenda, 30% off sales, and the morning’s news, me with my caffeine-craving sleepiness. It’s so easy to curl up with you and waste away the morning. It’s got to stop.

Write first, Gmail second. It’s just the way it has to be.

So I’ve decided to participate in this Reverb 10 thingy to “reflect on my year and manifest what’s next.” Because I’m feeling pretty on top of my game lately, because 2010 was a good year, because I’m hoping it will force me to write daily, and because I dig this sort of thing.

The first prompt:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

One word: Awareness.

• I’ve become more aware of myself than ever before. The biggest thing I’ve learned is how much my behavior affects the behavior of those around me. If you want someone (something) to change, don’t focus on them (it), focus on you.
• I worked hard this year to be more aware of my children. To get inside their heads, work with their personalities (not against them), find the best way to teach them and raise them right.
• I’ve deepened several friendships this year and become more aware of how important friends are.

A year from today? Action.

If 2010 has brought me awareness, I want 2011 to bring action on that awareness. My mantra right now is that old cliche, “Act, don’t react.” Moving forward. Making it happen in twenty-eleven. {Snort. Yes, I’m a sucker for quotes, cliches and pseudo-rhymes.}