I think a lot about how my children are a mirror of myself. I think this is one of the most profound things about being a parent. I have stood, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, looking at my son and thinking, “I do that. How can I help him NOT to act a certain way when I act that way all the time?” And I am at a loss.
You may have heard of that famous principle of Stephen Covey’s: begin with the end in mind. I’ve applied that principle to parenting. Instead of considering how I would like to be remembered at my funeral, I took some quiet time and thought how I want my kids to remember me as a parent. Do I want them to remember me as a friend? A disciplinarian? Fun-loving? Energetic? Boring? Lazy? Smart? Hard-working?
I wrote down my answer and then made a list of ways I can work toward that end. Because they are the mirror. The way they see me as a parent goes a long way toward the parent they will become.
In case you aren’t aware of my lifestyle, I’m a homeschooling mom with a husband that runs his own business from home. So, yeah, we are all together ALL. THE. TIME. When you live like this, giving attention to one another is something that’s easy to take for granted. We’re always together, so of course we’re all getting enough attention, right? Wrong. It’s almost the opposite. Sometimes we all just feel like a piece of furniture. It takes effort to show people you care about them, even if you are with them 24/7. That’s one thing I really need to work on.
It’s so easy to get sucked into housework, errands, and my love affair with my laptop. But it needs to change. It’s time to step away from the computer. While I love web surfing, blogging and twittering, it sucks me in. It is my “default” when nothing specific is going on, and the time I’m on the laptop during the day is often spent flipping back and forth between Gmail, Twitter and Facebook. It’s not like I’m being that productive.
I don’t want my kids remembering me hunched over a computer, not giving them the attention they deserve. And I surely don’t want them to mirror that with their children. So I’ll be focusing on a bit more disconnect over the next few weeks.
What will you do to be a better “mom in the mirror?”
(Note: Please don’t tell me I am being “too hard on myself.” I don’t want comments from people telling me I’m a great mom and I should give myself a break. I am a great mother. And I’m not looking to be perfect. And I know my kids will develop some undesirable traits and habits as they grow. But there are things I can do better. Things that I truly believe will make a big difference in my children’s lives. Changes I can make so that when I am a grandmother I can look back and say, I’m so happy I dug a little deeper and tried a little harder. That is what this blog is about.)
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Twitter: mammaloves
November 18, 2009 at 11:34 pm
This is a fantastic post Shannon. Truly.
I always think of that Harry Chapin song. It’s so easy to be “busy” and not take time to connect with our kids, our family, our friends, ourselves.
I’ll be mulling this over all weekend.
Amie aka MammaLoves´s last post: No Mammography until 50?! Tell it to Her
I think about this all the time to…when they say or do something that is “all me” or “all my husband”…I truly think that life is all about balance…you have to make time for all the things that are important…the balance is in figuring out what needs to go…because we can all tend to be “yes” people and want to be involved in too many things. This, in my opinion is often about either control or worrying about how you will appear to others…if we let both of those go, we will have an easier time focusing on the things that are important to us. Personally, I want my kids to remember me as fun, but firm when necessary, not quite their friend yet (hopefully that will come later) and loving. I really enjoy your blog sistah…it’s so nice knowing there are other women going thru the same things I am! Good luck w/your journey! Oh, p.s….I’m trying to get involved w/yoga to help me in my quest for enlightenment!!
The laptop, oh the laptop! I’m with you on having to take a step back. And I feel the frustration rising as more and more time is given to Holiday prep, shopping, cleaning for visitors, etc. Maybe 15 minutes every morning and then shut it down? Is that possible?
I think I need a 12-step program. Cold turkey is going to be difficult. But you’re so right. And my back hurts from the hunching anyway.
Shutting down…
em´s last post: Once again busting out the trench coat and Jackie O sunglasses.
My husband has been telling me for yrs…”you need to plan your day hr by hr” and even though I haven’t actually done it, I know he’s right. You have to schedule it ALL in, even time unplugged w/the kids…that way you are able to get it all done. But, the trick will be that you need to stick to the time frames you have alloted for ea. thing. I need to finally bite the bullet and do it…I know we’ll all be happy w/the results!
You guys are so right. I’ve read a lot of places that scheduling EVERYTHING is the key to success. That is SO hard for me because we homeschool and have a really flexible lifestyle. There’s no semblance of “routine.” I need a 12 step program, too! This is something I’ve been working on though. Will post about it in the near future.
Shannon´s last post: Printies Design Studio Giveaway
Twitter: hand
November 28, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I haven’t ‘signed in’ at SITS, sometimes I just don’t lol…but this is an awesome post. It is VERY easy to get sucked in and just sit on this computer all day….but we have to know when enough is enough…or our children will be just what we don’t want them to be.
Kristen´s last post: Thanksgiving
Yours is a very timely post. I have been trying to take a step back and focus more on me and making sure to plug myself in more with my family then anything else. It’s not always as easy as it should be but it’s always is worth it. Thank you…
Mindi @ B.A. Bookworm´s last post: Release Your Inner Feelings
very wise post.I will be thinking about this
What you have said is so true. I sometimes feel I take my family for granted and it really takes a conscious effort to show concern and not spend most of my time in front of my laptop (yes, I’m guilty of this too!).
Visiting from SITS! I often catch myself doing things that I shouldn’t and then looking at my kids and thinking where did they learn that crap from (and it was from me). This is a good reminder to look at myself and improve my behavior if I want them to improve theirs. Thanks!
I’ll be back later to read some more…I’m liking your blog.
Charlene ´s last post: O Christmas Tree
I see my kid mirroring my language constantly. I’m not talking about “bad” or “foul” language because swearing never really stuck with me. I’m talking about her saying things like “apparently” and “actually” and “the people that live here are nasty pigs.” (Really they are, they don’t pick up their dog poo.) I have to really listen to myself and think about how it’s going to sound when it comes out of the 4-year-old’s mouth.
I know that’s only one little component of what you were talking about – it’s just the first thing that came to my mind!
Joey´s last post: Pack it up!
Oh so true …. doesn’t matter what age they are, they become little mini me’s. I often look at my daughter and think ‘she looks like her dad but she sounds like me’. I know when I say to her that she needs to turn the TV off and get outside into the sunshine, I’m really saying we both need to switch off and go do something – coz she was on the TV coz I was on the computer, both disengaging!
Thanks for a great post, I enjoyed the read.
:) Marcia
Twitter: cmacceo
December 26, 2009 at 10:23 am
What a great post. You really helped me put some things into perspective. It was well written and the idea of acting with the end in mind is really important in parenting.
I know what you mean. (I have five children from 10-20 yrs.) I have to be aware of my laptop time as well.
Kim @ Cheap Chic Home´s last post: Merry Christmas!
Twitter: thewifeytweets
March 22, 2010 at 12:56 am
I don’t think about this nearly enough, sadly.
I’m so afraid my daughter will think I love the computer more than her because I live on it, recreationally and through school.
I think you are making a wise decision to consciously make more quality time for your children and step away from the computer. I have the noticed the same thing–the computer can be very addictive because there’s always something we can fuss with on it at the expense of those around us who we love. It takes a lot of self-discipline for me to limit my computer time. Sometimes, it just gets me aggravated when things don’t work right anyway.
Congrats on your SITS day
Karen & Gerard Zemek´s last blog ..An Entertaining College Basketball Weekend
This is a great post. Thanks for pointing us in this direction. Despite all the hard work we put in, most mothers believe that they are doing some things they know they shouldn’t. Like you I’m guilty of being “hunched over the computer” even when my children are screaming at me to pay attention to them. I’m off to write a list – actually, four lists – one for each of the two children, one for my husband and one for our newly arrived puppy!
Good question – and love the Covey reference. I was indoctrinated into all things Covey by my former workplace, and still appreciate a lot of the stuff I learned, though I often forget to apply it. As for things I want/try to do to be a better mom in the mirror, having a toddler who’s a serious mimic has shown me some behaviors that I am trying to cut out. Like yelling at the dog all the time. He doesn’t know he’s doing the wrong thing, he’s kind of dumb, and when I hear my toddler yell at the dog, I know he picked it up from me. Or when he parks on the couch with his pretend computer and goes to town. You said you have a love affair with your laptop – me too! This is an awesome post, really makes you think. I really appreciate it.
Elizabeth a.k.a. Type A Mommy´s last blog ..Super Yummy Vanilla Waffles
Twitter: sandyra
March 22, 2010 at 7:13 am
Fabulous post! I feel the same way a lot! Sometimes I feel that I spend less quality time with my family now that I am a stay at home mom, than when I was working 45 hours a week. Back then, I made sure to be “present” when I had time off. Now that we are home together all the time, we are as you said, “furniture” at times. That is something I really need to work on!
Sandy´s last blog ..Spring Has Arrived….Finally!
Twitter: CelluliteFiles
March 22, 2010 at 8:05 am
I have to admit, I love that Covey book. I designed my own planner all around it, and I’ve been using it for years. I’m still amazed at all the life goals it’s helped me to accomplish. But I never liked the funeral exercise. Seems like there are a lot better ways to picture “the end.” Why does it have to be so dismal? Why can’t you just picture yourself sitting on a porch swing at 100, looking back over your long, happy life?
Melissa @Cellulite Investigation´s last blog ..Cellulite Suspect #1: Trans Fat
I love your honesty. I like online social networking as much as the next mommy blogger, but at the end of the day (or at the end of our lives) our children are our legacy. I want my tombstone to say here lies a loving wife and mother…not social media guru. great post!
happy SITS day!
Teresha@ Marlie and Me´s last blog ..Baby Log: Week 30
Wonderful words! Here from SITS!
Double Wide Mom´s last blog ..The Curious Case of the Blue Paint
You have SO got my wheels turning now! Like many, the first thing that comes to mind for me is balancing my “computer in lap” time. At the beginning of the school year, I made a “schedule” for myself. Now I just need to keep it beside me with a timer to remind me. Like right now, I think I’m supposed to be exercising :) Oops!!!
Sherri @ Luv a Bargain´s last blog ..Old Navy: New 30% off a Single Item coupon
So true!!!
Tiffany´s last blog ..Olivia’s Hats
Twitter: decondemand
March 22, 2010 at 9:14 am
I am not a Mom but I am a Wife and I do want to be better at that….Most of the time we both work out of the house and are together 90% of the time and we totally get along just fine, but we sometimes take advantage of it too, so I completely get that…And yeah there are times more so than not that we turn to our separate computers at the end of the night too, we both know we do it and are trying to break some bad habits.
Marie Cole´s last blog ..When Size Matters…
I love this. I’m not a mom yet but I think about parenting all the time. I watch my brother with my niece and nephew and I watch how they soak up everything like little sponges. My nephew is practically a clone of my brother, both good and bad traits. I’m always asking myself what will I do to be a good mom when it’s my turn. Hopefully I will be able to step away from the computer as well. It’s something I have to remind myself to do when I’m with my fiance. It’s also my go to. I want to do as my mom did and be active with us. We always had craft projects we’d do together and I cherish those memories.
Happy SITS day!
Date Girl´s last blog ..Weekend Update
Twitter: KCAVONLADY
March 22, 2010 at 9:28 am
I think it is great that you do self assesments to find out how to be a better parent. The way your kids turn out will ultimately be up to them but giving them the best foundation possible is not a waste of time.
Yesterday I was in a chat room participating in a direct sales promo chat. We all were taking turns promoting what we do. I had just gotten on and my boyfriend invited me to go to the store with him and get milk.
I promptly said sure, goodbyed my online friends, and disconnected. He then realized that I did not get a turn to promote and said that he could go by himself.
I then told him that he is a priority in my life and that the chat was just something I came across and not nearly as important as him.
We then had a wonderful dinner and nice evening together.
Heidi Walker´s last blog ..SPAM
Twitter: mommybags
March 22, 2010 at 10:41 am
I love this post! Thanks for your honesty. I struggle with this same dilemna everyday.
“Sometimes we all just feel like a piece of furniture. It takes effort to show people you care about them, even if you are with them 24/7. That’s one thing I really need to work on.”
I’m going to link to your post on my fan page. Find us if you like (Christian Moms Business Resource) Our mom partners would love to read this….I write about this alot on my moms of faith column, too.
thanks so much!
Twitter: chego2
March 22, 2010 at 11:22 am
reading this came at a very appropriate time for me. i have been struggling with the same issue myself. thank you for reminding me to constantly check the mom in the mirror.
stopping by from SITS :)
cheri´s last blog ..does anybody know me?
That is such a profound way of changing your parenting style. My work with my girls is almost done. They are college aged, and teenagers, but still I am going to ponder this in my heart and see if with the few years we have left together we can make it even better. Our life is pretty sweet, but there’s always room for more sweetness.
Oh and by the way, my house is a house of mourning today for the shameful “democracy” in action that took place this weekend. Our founding fathers must be shaking their heads in disgust.
joann mannix´s last blog ..The Family That Punks Together, Stays Together
That is such a profound way of changing your parenting style. My work with my girls is almost done. They are college aged, and teenagers, but still I am going to ponder this in my heart and see if with the few years we have left together we can make it even better. Our life is pretty sweet, but there’s always room for more sweetness.
Oh and by the way, my house is a house of mourning today for the shameful “democracy” in action that took place this weekend. Our founding fathers must be shaking their heads in disgust.
joann mannix´s last blog ..The Family That Punks Together, Stays Together
Twitter: singlemamanyc
March 22, 2010 at 2:02 pm
What a truly GREAT idea – write down the kind of parent I want to be remembered as and then work toward that end! Brilliant! Thank you SO much for sharing that with us!!!
Single Mama NYC´s last blog ..Today Is National Single Parent Day!
Twitter: a8forwomen
March 22, 2010 at 2:03 pm
I want you to know that this is my mantra, but it extends past motherhood. I try to treat my mom the way I want my daughter to treat me. Same goes for my mother-in-law. Treat her the way I want to be treated as a mother-in-law. In general, it’s about treating others the way you want to be treated.
Enjoy your day. Love the true meat and substance of your site. Would love your opinion on mine if you have a chance.
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http://anonymous8.com/date-night-ideas/ask-a8-keeping-romance/
Thanks,Sarah Baron
The hunched over the computer is often me, and that’s NOT what I want my kids to remember either!
pixielation´s last blog ..And monster makes three. I mean 12.
Oh, if I could only count the times I stared at that woman in the mirror and thought ‘What the HELL are you doing?!’ There are so many things I constantly battle with. Do I work too much? Do I work to little? Am I giving enough to my family. I know I yell to much, it’s not that I mean too..my patience gives in and out it comes. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one who really LOOKS in the mirror.
Twitter: blogmom221
March 22, 2010 at 8:32 pm
This is a thoughtful post. I can relate to the getting sucked into the computer. I to do NOT want my little girls to think of me that way when I am in their thoughts. It definitely brought home that I need to reflect a little more.
Joy´s last blog ..Calphalon Pans Giveaway (Approx. $50 value)
Happy SITS day! Sorry to be late! Sometimes it’s good to drag things out though, right? Anyway, I love this post. It is a great reminder for all of us to be better parents. I often think when my kids ask me to play while I’m cleaning or for another story at bedtime, “How will they remember me?” Will they remember me as the mom who needed to keep the house sparkling clean? Or the mom who WANTED to spend time doing things with them that made great memories? I choose the latter. Thanks for a great post.
Happy SITS Day SITSta…I completely hear what you are saying and I honestly have felt the same way. I want to show my 4 children how to be great parents someday, and not just tell them how to. Thanks for the reminder! You have a lovely family!
Shannon King´s last blog ..Whew!
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