I had an interesting conversation with some homeschooling moms the other day. We were discussing responsibility and teaching our children that X needs to be done to get Y benefit. The other two moms have schoolwork that they require their children to complete each day and suggested that this schoolwork was the child’s “job.” Their feeling is that children need to learn – through various responsibilities that include schoolwork – that you need to complete your responsibilities, even if you don’t love them, in order to get paid and succeed in life. And by succeed, I mean having enough money to house, clothe and feed themselves. The basics.
I agree largely with this assessment. Children should understand that life is not free. Every individual should produce something to get something in return. Where I disagree is that parent-imposed schoolwork is a necessary part of the equation.
I explained my philosophy that there are other ways to teach responsibility other than asking a child to complete assignments that may or may not be interesting to them at that moment. I am a huge proponent of letting learning happen when the child is truly motivated by a topic. I’ve seen it work in both of my children. They both learned to read with almost no help from me. They learn from engaging in life. I expose them to a lot and when I see a spark, I jump on it. Unschooling parents have been called lazy, but I think it’s actually more work than following a curriculum.
Responsibility and accountability can be taught in a natural way by asking your child to be a productive member of the household. Letting them do things for themselves and assist with appropriate household responsibilities is an important part of growing up. Learning is also an important part of growing up. Children want to learn and be productive. They want to be like adults, they want to model us. Given the chance to freely explore their passions, kids soak up knowledge like the proverbial sponge.
While I know where I stand on my schooling philosophy, the “responsibility and routine” theme of our conversation kept haunting me. My kids have responsibilities (that don’t involve specific schoolwork), but they don’t have a routine. Their responsibilities aren’t even routine. People talk about kids being overscheduled, but mine are underscheduled. Not in the sense of having things to do – we do plenty of classes and activities – but I am very loose with our day-to-day routine. Eating, sleeping, getting dressed – these are often optional and negotiable. We eat when we’re hungry, get dressed when we need to, and sleep when we’re tired. Sometimes this works for us. Sometimes the lack of structure leads to boredom or arguing for the kids and a tendency for me to spend a little too much time with my laptop. Maybe a bit more structure would benefit us all?
Yes, yes. The “studies” all say that children – and adults for that matter – thrive on routine. One thing I am really looking to improve is my focus. I might sit at my laptop for an hour while the kids are occupied, but I’m not fully present or getting any work done. I’m staring at my email or browsing through Twitter and Facebook. On the flip side, I might be doing something with the kids and not be fully present with them because I’m doing chores or thinking about a blog design I’m working on. And perhaps by not scheduling in specific “schooling” time, I am missing an opportunity to expose them to even more.
Ah, the elusive balance.
A lot of ideas are running through my mind. I’m creating lists and loose – but tighter than our current – schedules. I’m easing into this idea of structure and I’ll be sharing my journey here in future posts. I’d love to hear how you structure your day, especially the homeschoolers/unschoolers out there.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you are right to give your kids a little leeway. To me kids do need structure on certain things like bed time, nap time if they are small and meals to an extent. Chores are good to but it is to benefit them and the family not for money. Lets face it, we buy things for them all the time that they need or want to an extent, my kids never got an allowance and that taught them that when they really wanted something they would have to work for it either at home or outside the home.
I don’t know if this helps or I just sound old fashioned but it worked with my kids.
Hope your weekend is great!
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I more or less parent my kjids by their personailities. One is a go-getter while te other is the opposite (unless she wants something for herself). I totally agree with people giving suggestions but I am the one person who will have been there from the beginning and it’s a work in progress. I am not a homeschooler, right now, but weave in and out of it.
I guess my moto is, do good get rewards…
I go by the grand rule,”There is a difference between a need and a want, that’s my final word, think about it and get back to me”. I htink they get it.
Sorry for spelling errors, was typing in the dark, still am,
Imperfect Stepford´s last post: Grace # 9 & Smaller Trifles
It was interesting to read your latest post from a teacher perspective (I’m not a mommy to my own yet…but my 21 students have my heart!) The same topic of conversation comes up in what I would say to be TOO many of my parent/teacher conferences…tips on how to help your child be responsible. I know parenting is absolutely the toughest job out there, but I wish more parents had that at the top of their priorities. I think you are right-on with your ideas on how to teach and model responsibility for your children. Thanks for the thoughts from the parent perspective! Happy Saturday!
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Well… I too have a very strong opinion about education as we are also “unschoolers” for the most part. Although we use my studio as our ‘school’ room and we have a general schedule of getting school type activities done before 2. Our kids are older now and we have done every method in the last 12 years of home educating, from a virtual academy when my first born was in 1st grade to full on curriculum. But we have been overtly relaxed in the last 8 years. What I have discovered is exactly as you have already stated. Kids want to learn they want to emulate the adults in their lives. If you sit around watching TV all day then maybe that is not the best influence but if you are working and learning and being a good and productive citizen your kids will follow suit. I never taught my nine year old the alphabet, or how to read yet she is nearly finished with the secret garden and can build amazing birdhouses. (using tools) My oldest is 14, has just started reading well but can cook any meal imaginable using time management and advanced culinary skills. All of my children sew, create, paint, help neighbors and teach one another things they learn. As you stated we are always learning. I marvel at my 10 year old that does mostly junior high school level academics (on her own, since she desires a different schooling experience) and my 12 year can teach himself any skill in a day from how to rebuild a engine to juggling while uni-cycling. They really are sponges just waiting to be inspired. As for a schedule, I stink at it. We eat whenever, get dressed whenever and generally spend more time having fun than anything. What I don’t teach them, they will learn when they prepare for their GED… :)
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Funny, I just did a post on the question of kids and chores yesterday. Yes, I expect my kids to help out around the house. I feel this teaches them responsibility. As far as structure, I am still working on that. I need to figure out structure in my life before I can instill it in them! I really like your blog and will be checking in more often!
http://www.thegenerationxmomblog.com/2010/01/should-kids-have-chores.html
I’m visiting from Sits and really enjoy your blog. We have as much structure in our routine as possible with teenagers going every which way. We eat dinner together every night, and Sundays are mostly spent hanging out together after church. When they were younger we were probably more structured. I think kids feel safer when there is structure and more secure to then branch out without fear because they know they can go back to their safe, secure, spot whenever they need to.
I really enjoyed reading your blog — great ideas. Thanks for sharing. It gave me some great ideas on layout for my new blog. All the best, Coryanne
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i am very impress with your blog . i always appreciate you and your opinion thanks
Twitter: BLOGitse
January 30, 2010 at 3:49 am
Thanks for today’s topic. I love this: Now it’s time to give.
Recently too many bloggers complain how busy they are, no time to read blogs.
If we all think/act the same way we would blog alone, to ourselves.
I’m not at all famiar with homeschooling. But it was a joy to read your post, thanks for sharing!
http://blogitse.blogspot.com/2010/01/your-words-my-image-woima-53.html
I love the idea of being the parents you want your kids to become. I often say that I am parenting my children as if the adult they are going to be is watching over my shoulder.
My life is very routined. I often strive to bring more fluidity to mine and my chidlren’s lives. I do think it is a balance. I let them loose in the summer and on vacation days, but they both go to school outside the home and my daughter has a bunch of activities on top of that. Pros and cons, balance, all that…. I shoudl also spend more time being present with my kids, and less time online. Nice to meet you!
Twitter: shellthings
January 30, 2010 at 8:13 am
As long as you and your kids are fine with that flexibility, I think you’re fine.
One thing I have to say, though, is back when I was a teacher, I had a student who came into my class who had previously been homeschooled. He was a smart 5th grader. However, I could not get him to do his work and prove it. After a conference with his mom, she told me that their days were like you described, and he had a very hard time adjusting to having to do something when the rest of the class did. I was big on flexibilty and had my students do different work if that was what their needs were(like the small group of kids who were allowed to ignore me during math class because I had them doing 6th grade work instead), but I can’t have a child who wouldn’t complete his classwork or who would only do part of it, because he’d rather finish his math in the afternoons during social studies.
Things like that are probably why you don’t want your kids in public school. ;) But, if you ever decide that you aren’t going to homeschool any more, please make sure you have more of a schedule for a little while, so it’s less of a shock when they enter a traditional school.
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January 30, 2010 at 8:56 am
It is hard to balance that. I try and let my kids be kids, but want to give them a sense of responsibility too. Not sure it’s working! My 7 yr old came up with a system this week (because he’s addicted to the Wii) where he can have 15 minutes a day, but has to earn more time by doing little things and can have time taken away when he’s bad. Seems to work so far! Although it’s going to be hard for me to remember the time!
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Hi Nice to meet you! I have been roaming through you’re blog and really enjoy it.
I thought I would share a little about what it’s like to have been home schooled. I don’t home school my boys, basically because I’m not brave enough LOL. Growing up I wasn’t home schooled until Junior year of highschool, I think it’s a different ball game at that age, but I was a round for some of my siblings schooling. My sister graduated from a homeschool academy and also chose to get her GED, along with her diploma. My brother was homeschooled from 1st grade till 8th and then went to a private school from 9th grade on. And to toot his horn he is now in engineering school at UK :)
I don’t believe I have ever known a homeschooled child that struggled academically, but most struggle with the routine if ever placed back into a public setting. My mother was very proactive about socialization and belonged to several groups and co-ops. I think that was one of the ways that she held us and herself accountable.
She’s a scheduled person, but not the most organized…kind of ironic lol. One thing that really worked for my siblings were blocks of time. The same times everyday, but different activities. So say from 1-2 pm you could chose to do your Math lesson, Science project or your chores for the day. They were able to stay on a schedule and not wonder where all their time had gone, but at the same time keep the flexibility and love for homeschooling alive. It might work for you guys, I think that if I were to decide to homeschool my 2 that would most likely be my method of approach because I have seen it work.
Anyway I have written a novel and please excuse the typos but I have not had nearly enough coffee yet :)
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!
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January 30, 2010 at 9:53 am
My kids are grown and have flown the coop, so it’s interesting for me to read what younger moms are struggling with at home and how they’re raising their kids. It’s especially wonderful to see so many mom bloggers who’s focus is on being a mom!
Non of us are perfect, so don’t get discouraged. If you pour your life into your kids, you will never regret it! One day, when they’re grown, they’ll come back and thank you!
very insightful read. Thank you! stopping by via SITS! :)
no real advice for you. I think everyone finds their own groove that works. I fall in the middle between the no schedule and overscheduled. IT’s a happy medium for us but it’s always changing – depending on the season, what we are involved in, etc.
I guess…….good luck with yours! :)
Visiting from SITS!
In reading your post and reading the comments, I agree that a lot of the parenting/teaching philosophy depends on the temperament and natural fortitude of your children. I have a buffet of it all going, because life throws curve balls at all times! I home school, and while I have a rigorous curriculum, and they are required to learn the basics, I do try to allow them to learn at their own pace, I focus on their interests, and I try my best to have them learn in a way that interests them the most, for example my son loves science, my daughter art, and they tend to enjoy self-study using the computer and get bored doing “seat work”. However…
We always have the possibility hanging over us that the kids may have to enter public school if our situation changes, so I make sure they understand that there are things expected of them, such as competence in reading, writing and math and that there is NO rewards for things that are simply required. Sometimes kids get the idea that if there is a reward behind it, then it’s worth doing. That is not life; we are all expected to do things with no tangible reward (meaning sometimes the reward is simply the absence of something negative happening; I drive the speed limit, my “reward” is I don’t get a ticket for speeding!).
We all want our children to succeed, and as long as our intent is steadfast and we have realistic goals it shouldn’t matter too much how we achieve them, especially with the gift of home schooling!
As far as routines go, again, if it works, it works! My children desperately need routine, they always want to know “what are we doing next”, how much time it will take, where it’s happening, etc etc. Without routine they get very off balance. If your kids aren’t like that, don’t sweat it, their talents and abilities will probably whisk them into fantastic free-lance careers full of creativity and inspiration! :)
Nice exchage of ideas you have going here…hope to read a follow up soon!
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I am the homeschooling parent of 2 girls… ages 14 & 17. We unschooled through most of their younger years and now that they are in high school I have trouble setting a good routine. I like letting them sleep in, there is less bickering when they do. We also eat at weird times and sometimes squeeze schooling in between our activities and not the other way around. It was one of my resolutions to get us on a routine…. As far as responsibility, I do lump some of their schoolwork into it. On Mondays I give them a chart of their assignments and when they are due, being high schooler they have very specific classes they have to take and I let them be responsible for the due dates. They also have household “chores” but really, it’s not a “job” as I can’t “fire” them for not getting the laundry done on time. They have had summer jobs and I can see that the seeds of responsibility have taken root, but my thought is that is all we as parents can do is plant seeds… no matter how “loose” or “totalitarian” our routine there are some adult lessons they will have to learn as adults.
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You’ve given me something to think about….I like to pretend we are really structured, but the truth is — when you have a five year old and a two year old, structure doesn’t always happen. I keep weekly goals instead of making a daily schedual. My oldest has a few responsibilities throughout the day that she has to do, and they aren’t rewarded. But if she uses her own initiative to be kind to her sister or help mommy out without being asked, then she gets rewarded.
When it comes to school time, well, she’s five. I’m very structured and organized, but some days we only work on her numbers, while somedays we get numbers and a science project in — you know how it is!!! But I do keep track of what we do and what we need to work on.
Stopping by from SITS!!!
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Twitter: balancedmoms
January 30, 2010 at 11:07 am
I loved reading this post. My kids are both young so I can’t relate, but have often thought about home schooling in the future, I don’t know though :) I commend every mother out there who can do it, I’m just not sure I’m one of them lol. I think you’re doing great! Structure is good to some extent. I find that I’m a little too structured at times and I don’t take time to enjoy the moment. I want to find a balance between structure, and not getting so uptight about everything, lol.
Oh, jeez. I am a high school English teacher, and I have no idea how I would ever structure and entire day of learning if I was a home school mom. Isn’t that terrible??! You definitely have your work cut out for you!
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Good morning, I’m visiting from SITS.
This really is an interesting subject. In my household we also eat when we’re hungry. As far as education goes, I believe it ultimately requires a balance between structure and the absence of it. Learning can take place in the park, at a museum, or at home in their pjs. But children should understand that important assignments need to be completed by a SPECIFIC time and they should understand that there can be consequences for not getting it done. I believe this prepares them for life as working adults.
I also believe children should have chores. It teaches them how to care for themselves, their current home, and the ones they’ll share with their families as adults. It’s a unifying responsibility in that it shows that everyone has an important and necessary role to play in their family unit.
But, never forget that they’re children. Let them have fun. Allow them to sleep in on occasion.
I am a grandmother now,but I look at kids to today and what they have I am not sure if this new wave of kids need all they have. They get hardly any exercise as they are to busy with all their electronics. Most of them do not even use English when they are texing. I realize it is a new age and that parents think their kids need these things so they keep up with everyone else. This is part of the reason there is so much beastly in our children and grandchildren.
We love them and some try to prove their love by giving too much.
Kids need to know and feel we love and really care about them and their everyday activities.
I always made a point we eat dinner together at the table and we talk about the day. They need to feel that they are a part of the family and that we know how to listen to them so if we feel there is a problem we can maybe nip it before it gets too big. This is so important as many kids with problems give signs and we as parents are too rapped up in ourselves to really see it.
I came over from sits and I enjoy all the articles I read.
Popping by from SITS!
We love structure here in this house; however, my kids go to public school. We have set schedules for waking, breakfast, naps, snack, homework, bed. We even have our weekly routine down; for example when J goes to Tae Kwon Do, I do shopping, Hubby works out, etc.
It gives them a good idea of what to expect and when; the down side is that being Mom, it gets quite boring! Especially during the day when it’s just Baby and me!
Good luck!
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!
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A good friend of mine has the most un-routined kids I’ve ever seen in my life. They’re almost completely self-directed. They’re also some of the happiest kids I’ve ever known, and certainly holding their own in school and activities. I think it’s a lot, lot, lot more work for a parent to have to be ready for anything 24/7 instead of being able to organize what she’s doing when ahead of time, but if life allows for it and s/he’s up for it, I’ve seen that it definitely can be a very healthy way to raise kids.
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I agree with you. If a child is interested they’re stay with it longer and enjoy it more. Before my daughter could read, in the early 70′s, the books on tape for children were just coming out. She loved Cinderella for some reason. After a few times of listening, she would want me to let her listen. She would sit there pretending to read, but actually listening and turning the pages. She learned to read before she started school. Once she was able to read, at night she would take a letter from the encyclopedias to bed with her and read. She enjoyed reading about different things. Of course, when she became a teenager, I couldn’t get her to read a book! But for a time, she enjoyed her history!
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Hi, Love your wonderful site. I am very interested as a mom. Hope you have a great Saturday. Cheers, Lia
Hi. This is the first time I’ve visited your blog but I really like it. I’ve read your last two posts and they both strike a cord in me. My son just turned 2 today so we have a bit of time before deciding on schooling although I have given homeschooling a lot of thought.
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Cheers :-)
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I am really enjoying hopping around all of the SITS blogs. Interesting topic Shannon! Fortunately for my kids I don’t home school! ha ha!
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Very glad to have read this! My boys are both teenagers, 13 and 14, and have basically been homeschooled all their lives. My youngest has never been in institutionalized schooling. Our family is incredibly “underscheduled,” as you put it. I also work at home, but with a regular 8-hour shift from 4-midnight. I’ve got one World of Warcraft addict *gasp* (that damn game taught him how to read!) and another who loves everything. He’s self-taught on the guitar, loves writing short stories, comic books, has some odd jobs around the neighborhood, etc. They’ve tried their hand at scouts and music lessons and sports through the years, but we pretty much just do our own thing. I did feel guilty about it early in their lives, but after seeing the kind of people they are growing up to be, I couldn’t be more proud of them. We take FREQUENT family vacations, and are VERY spontaneous. My husband is in the Army, so when he’s home, I absolutely HATE having obligations that inhibit us from being able to pack up and go somewhere at the spur of the moment. From the time we wake up in the morning, we pretty much follow our hearts. I have also heard the theory that kids need a routine…how will they ever learn the concept of turning in assignments on time, being at work on time, sitting at a desk all day, LIVING IN NORMAL SOCIETY? Trust me, my kids’ll do just fine…..
This is really an interesting post. My daughter turns five this spring and with that birthday comes a myriad of schooling decisions for me to make. To homeschool or to start a traditional kindergarten? To let her lead the way or to follow a pre-set curriculum? And then, because we’ve been living in Europe and now we’re moving to Asia, if I send her off to school, do I send her to a class that’s not conducted in her first language? There are so many things to think about and I have no idea, really, what’s best. Until now, we’ve had easy, loosely-structured days and our routines, while in place, have been more weekly than daily. I believe, somewhat instinctively, that kids should have the freedom to pursue their own interests but that they should not have the freedom to ignore subjects that don’t interest them, if that makes sense. Still, I’m already worried that my daughter might not be prepared for kindergarten because I decided to keep her home during her preschool years.
I guess I don’t have any specific advice, just a rambling list of my own concerns, but I’m wishing you luck in your restructuring and I’ll be reading your upcoming posts with attention. (Oh, and I’m stopping by from SITS. So glad to have found your blog!)
I just read your post of SITs I really enjoy this community. I just wanted to say hello. :)
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Whilst I am here can somebody tell me how to make my post content update automatically, I can’t do it and I am finding it annoying. Please :}!
MsBabyPlan´s last post: Active day: well done to me
Stopping by from SITS because I just LOVED your tribe post. It actually inspired a post of my own… I hope you’ll check it out! I’m looking forward to checking out your blog… while I’m not a parent (yet!) I’ve worked in kids’ arts programming and child care for years. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Hi! I’m new to the blogging world but am so happy to have stumbled upon sits and ur blog. These questions give alot to think about. I think it takes incredible strength to commit to homeschooling. Don’t be so hard on urself. A good balance of structure and no structure is good. I love ur site and look forward to reading more!
Twitter: nancherrrow
February 23, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Great post. I truly believe there is a difference between “routine” and “schedule.” Maybe it’s semantics but I think a good routine leaves a lot of room for creative, spontaneous learning. In our home we do have scheduled work every day, like chores and basic schoolwork. But it’s our routine to have large blocks of unscheduled time throughout the day for us all to do some activity of our own choosing like reading, crafts, outside play, games, etc. Our philsophy is planning with flexibility.
Twitter: PaperBridges
March 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm
wow, look at all these comments! maybe I should get in on this SITS
you have to tell me what C was doing/playing/ whatever to teach herself to read.
at our house, their jobs are their chores, not the school work (not that we have much “school work” here anymore. We are on super-relaxed, unschooling mode and we’re all loving it). HATED making learning a battle, kwim?
Twitter: balancingbandb
March 13, 2010 at 10:17 am
What an interesting topic. I am definitely someone who strives on routine, because if left to my own devices I will get NOTHING done! So I am constantly working to improve the routine that I’ve just started to find out what works best for me. I know exactly what you mean about being able to waste away hour(s) on the computer without being productive. Now in addition to my routine I’ve just this week started to make daily goal lists. I have found it to be helpful, but who knows maybe that won’t last either!
Good luck on your journey!
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!
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